Friday, August 8, 2014

thoughts of a crazy pregnant lady.

I've had a mad case of "pregnancy brain" for pretty much the duration of this pregnancy (sorry Miles...and anyone else who has to deal with me on an ordinary basis), but now it seems as though the wheels in my brain can't (or just won't) stop spinning.  Last night was the first night I've truly felt anxious (obviously since the beginning...that was one panic attack after another) about having a baby, or about giving birth, or about being a parent.  Sure I've thought about it, but last night was different.  Right now I don't even know what I'm worried about because there are a slew of emotions running through my veins.  But I can't turn off my brain, and it's currently working in overdrive making me feel all kinds of crap that normally I could NOT care less about.  For instance.........

Ladies...I gotta know if I'm completely crazy or made of steel or if all these other gals are bigger babies than the ones they are birthing.  My apologies up front for any crude language in this post, but sometimes, damnit, it's just necessary.
Guys...I'd probably stay as far from this post as you possibly can.  Ain't nothin' you're gonna want to read in here.

I have read multiple books about pregnancy, and I now feel guilty.  Yes, guilty.  Why guilty, you ask?  Because clearly I've had the easiest pregnancy in all of human history.  Either that, or these other women are full of shit.  And yes, literally they are, because apparently constipation is a huge issue for most women.  Something I can't relate to.  No more details about that.  Moving on.

So I was told to read Jenny McCarthy's "Belly Laughs" for a humorous and honest depiction of pregnancy (now that I'm basically done being pregnant), so I went to Barnes and Noble this week and bought it.  It's funny, I'll admit there were some definite LOLs while I read, but the whole book is about her pregnancy with her son and the atrocious things that happened to her throughout the nine months.  Um.  First let me say, I realize she's trying to sell books, so I assume exaggeration is present in the text, but if only HALF of what she writes is SOMEWHAT true, I cannot imagine.  There's no way I would've survived!  Here are a few of the many examples.

1. Morning sickness.  Never had it.  Probably would've killed me.  Now I know this one is legit because most of my friends and family that have had babies can vouch for it.  My sister pretty much threw up daily...for 9 months.  Can you imagine????  Well, some of you probably don't have to imagine because you dealt with it yourselves, so before you punch me in the face, I'll move on.

2. Cravings.  Miles would probably say that I craved chips and hot sauce in the beginning (or maybe that was all that was in the pantry), and I'd say that I've craved sweet tarts and peanut butter and ice cream and maybe even strawberries since then.  But those are all things that I love anyway, so it's really not been anything over the top.  I've not been awakened from my (perfectly comfortable and normal) sleep with an overwhelming desire for pickles or hot dogs or something else I'd normally hate.  I've not forced Miles to unwillingly go to the store at odd hours because I just HAD to have something.  Now, I would love to eat sushi, but I'd say that's only because I've been told I can't have it.  Which, as we all know, crap like that plays tricks on your brain.

3. Constipation, hemorrhoids, gas, etc.  I'm lumping all of these disgusting issues into one so that we can quickly move forward from this topic.  Do people seriously get all of these for 9 months?????

4. Hot flashes.  Alright people...I moved to freaking HOUSTON and I'm still not seeing the big deal about heat.  Don't get me wrong, it's humid and disgusting here about 99% of the time, but it hasn't caused me to sweat uncontrollably or strip naked and sit in front of a fan for hours at a time.

5. Acne/rashes.  Considering the fact that after I got off birth control several years ago I had to see a dermatologist and was diagnosed with "adult acne" (yeah, that was fun at 28 years old), I'd say my face looks freaking amazing now.  I guess maybe those of you who have had perfect skin your whole life have had to experience the horror that is face and body breakouts during pregnancy, and you know what?  It's 9 months, not 31 years.  So I don't feel bad for you.  Nope, not on this one.  :)

6. Stretch marks and cellulite.  Ok, I've had both for as long as I can remember, so the onset of these was to be expected.  I've used Bio-oil on my stomach in an effort to prevent the stretch marks from creeping up off my thighs and ass to my belly, and so far, so good.  Cellulite blows, and yes mine has gotten significantly worse during pregnancy, but for those of you that only had/have it while you are pregnant, well you suck.  And again, no sympathy here.  Yours will go away, whereas I'm stuck with mine FOR-E-VER.  So bite me.

7. Pain.  Considering that I'm growing a mini-Miles Cobb in my uterus, I've been incredibly lucky when it comes to pain and discomfort.  Sure, I'm having a massive man-child baby.  But somehow he's kept it tight in there and not caused me much more than occasional rib aches and maybe a hint of back pain here or there.  I can live with that.

8. Loss of sleep.  Not even a little bit.  Next.

9. Peeing every 5 minutes.  Basically I've been able to relate to this one since I started my obsession with Route 44 waters from Sonic many many years ago.  I drink tons of water all day every day, so I pee all the time anyway, and this is nothing new for me.  As far as waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, see #8 to determine that this has not been an issue for me.

10. Hormonal outbursts.  I've had like 3.  Maybe 5 tops.  I haven't cried or broken things though, so I feel like that is an accomplishment in and of itself since I'm incredibly temperamental and an emotional wreck about 95% of the time anyway.  It takes a lot to get a compliment out of Miles when it comes to my derangedness (I know, not a word, but it works), but he's even said on multiple occasions that I'm waaaaay better pregnant than he ever thought I'd be.  And yes, ladies, that to me is a compliment.

Now...all of that being said, yes I've had a few symptoms of pregnancy.  Like the aforementioned "pregnancy brain," for instance.  Just the other day I asked what part of Africa that Cambodia was in.  REALLY????  And I used to TEACH CHILDREN???  Yikes.  Then there's the horrid indigestion.  That for me has by far been the worst part of pregnancy.  Probably because it's the only real symptom I've had, suckers.  :)  But seriously, it's disgusting, and I cannot wait for it to go away!  Also, I'm tired all the time, but what you all have to understand is that I have loved sleep my entire life.  Mom says when I was a baby my dad would call at lunch to check on me and I'd still be asleep from the night before!  And I can't lie, since I'm not working right now, sleeping in and daily naps are at the top of my priority list and your judgment and jealousy regarding my lifestyle does not phase me.  Kidding, kidding.  And yes, I know that's going to end soon, so I'll just live it and love it while I can!

But seriously, am I crazy or do women over-exaggerate pregnancy symptoms and pains and discomfort because it's the one time in life you can get away with it?  I'm not judging.  In fact, sometimes I think I should've milked this thing a lot more (especially when Miles pisses me off about something stupid...i.e. the ice cream incident of the 35th week, it was a doozie!).  Maybe next pregnancy!  Actually, next pregnancy will probably be payback for this post and I'll feel awful and cry every day for 9 months.  Don't lie, some of you are wishing that upon me right now.

Anywho, I warned y'all in the title that these were the thoughts of a crazy pregnant lady, so if you're still reading and asking yourself "why am I still reading this?" you can't say you weren't warned...


So this, BABY BOOM HITS NORTH TEXAS 9 MONTHS AFTER ICE STORM, is actually really funny, because it totally happened to Miles and me...

I remember school being canceled and still having to drive to the doctor's office in the snow and ice.  My guess is that perhaps that's not the same way other people were making babies during that huge winter storm...but so that Tater doesn't feel like a petri-dish outcast baby, we'll let him think he was part of that winter storm baby boom of 2014!


Random thought (as most of them are)...What's up with it being cloudy and/or raining in Houston pretty much every day?  I'm over here living a VERY TEMPORARY life of luxury in this huge house with a massive pool in the backyard, and all I want to do is rosy up my puffy cheeks for all the pics I'll be taking soon, but a girl can't catch a break with the dang weather.


Anyway, I think I've been nervous and full of strange and anxiety-induced thoughts because I have a feeling that this baby is coming sooner than his due date.  I'm 37 weeks now, and we go back to the doctor on Monday.  Last week I measured smaller than I had the previous week (perhaps a few less bowls of ice cream??), so we are doing another ultrasound on Monday to make sure Tate is growing like he should be.  Not that I want him to come out before he is ready, but if he's going to be a 10 pound baby by his due date, I won't be mad at doc for taking him sooner.  They're going to use the ultrasound to check fluid levels and his size, and if it's not what they think it should be, I may be having a baby early next week.  HOLY CRAP.  Perhaps I should stop wasting time blog-rambling and instead continue doing my research on how to be a mom!  Seriously, last doctor's appointment the nurse was all "So what did y'all do this weekend?" and we answered, "It was pretty mellow, just hung out and tried to figure out this whole parenting thing," to which she replied, "Um guys it takes more than a weekend!"  So procrastination in this event wasn't the best of ideas?  Man it usually works out so well for me! :)

Hambone wanted a piece of the 37 week chalkboard action on his bday, so I had to oblige...

Well, even though I'm filled with anxiety-ridden thoughts of the whole public breastfeeding debate and judgment of being a stay-at-home mom who pumps, not having a clue what to do when Tate won't stop crying, trying to move into a house and create a nursery with a newborn, not have a heart attack when my mom leaves me after Tate is born, Hambone's jealousy of his baby brother getting all the attention, how I'm so glad it took me so long to write this blog that I didn't get in the pool because it's now pouring down rain, and so many other things, ultimately I look forward to Tate's long-awaited arrival and all of the joy that he will bring to Miles and I, to our families, our friends and so many loved ones.

One thought, above anything else, that is constant, is how grateful we are to God that in His perfect timing, we have been blessed with this easy pregnancy and this precious baby boy.  Knowing that He is ultimately in charge, I can rest easy (and y'all know I do!) knowing that my earthly concerns are unnecessary and unwarranted because He will take care of us.  He always does!

And now it's sunny outside.  Go figure.  I'm gonna go beached-whale style in my bikini that totally doesn't fit since I'm home alone.  I know y'all are loving that mental image!