The Road to Today

This blog is going to be especially difficult for me to write for many reasons, but I feel it is empowering and that it provides a sort-of "outlet" to write about your struggles and your strengths, so here goes nothing.

The freshness of our latest struggle will likely make this post more emotional than it might otherwise be, but we will continue to persevere and to serve the Lord and to hope for our future.

For the majority of you who do not know (and why would you?), Miles and I have been trying to start a family since the summer of 2011.  When it didn't happen early, we chalked it up to the idea that maybe the birth control that I had been on since 22 was not out of my system after so many years, or maybe that our timing was off, or maybe, just maybe, we weren't ready yet.  We were both 28 at the time, and enjoying what was left of our youth, and not thinking too diligently about the future.  It just wasn't meant to be.

After about eight or nine months, bringing us to early spring of 2012, I visited my doctor and asked about the possible causes of our inability to get pregnant.  Was it me?  Was there something wrong with Miles?  Why wasn't this happening for us?  At that point I was so uneducated in reproduction that I would've had trouble labeling a poster of the female anatomy (yes, seriously).  So the doc did some preliminary hormone testing on me, and Miles was tested as well, and according to the results, we were both healthy and able to reproduce.  "Just give it time, sometimes it just takes a while."  Right, ok.  Keep on trying.  Lucky Miles.

By this point in our marriage (going on 3 years), the persistent questions: When are y'all having kids?  Why don't you have babies yet?  Aren't you ready for children? began plaguing our every day lives.  At first, it was easy to say "Yeah, we're just not ready yet!" so as to not provide every single inquirer of our reproductive status the intimate details of our lives.  But after a certain amount of time, and after several different horrific situations, you literally get to the point that you want to scream BACK OFF IT'S NONE OF YOUR FRICKIN BUSINESS to every. single. nosy. probing. clueless. person that continues to make your situation worse with the constant interrogation.  Side note: some of this is fresh.  Forgive my random outbursts.  Second side note - February 2014 - wow, sorry for being so rude!

In October 2012, I got some of the best news I've ever received in my life.  My little sister was pregnant!  Now, most families are not nearly as close as ours and so many people live a life plagued with jealously and contempt.  I was THRILLED to hear my sister's news, but knowing of our struggles, she was hesitant to share her amazing news with me.  This saddens me even now, a year later, to think about.  But, now we have the most precious nephew of all time, and I love him so very very much, and I miss him all the time!

Moving on...

By November of 2012 we decided to give it a rest for a while.  Now when I say "give it a rest," some of you might not understand what I mean by that.  Simply speaking, when you are trying to have a child and struggling, that is LITERALLY all you think about.  Every month, every "cycle," it's the constant tests and checking this and checking that, and before you realize it, it all becomes an obsession.  So, we knew we had our big European extravaganza coming in the summer of 2013, so we thought it best to quit "trying" for the time being so we could go and enjoy our long-awaited vacation.  BAM.  Pregnant.  Say whattttt?  Literally, at the risk of providing too much information, we did not think it was physically possible for me to get pregnant the month that I did.   God's plan, not ours.

So obviously we are THRILLED.  It was mid-December when we found out, and we used Christmas as the perfect time to tell our families the great news.  They were all aware of our struggles, and it was such a genuine and exciting moment when we told them this amazing miracle of a story.  Since Chelsea was already pregnant, we basked in our happiness for each other and the excitement of having cousins so close in age, and of course became Pinterest and "My Baby Center" freaks.  Baby photo ideas, baby quotes, nurseries, names, clothes, and the list goes on...

Call it intuition or whatever, but I knew something was wrong.  It's very hard, though, to accept that something may not be right when you are that excited.  The day after Christmas, December 26, 2012, we went to see my doctor (couldn't get in to my doctor on such late notice, so they stuck us with Dr. NoPersonalityorBedsideManner) and found out I was in the midst of a miscarriage.  Talk about devastating.  When the doctor said those words, we both lost it.  He was very matter-of-fact about it, which, for me, made it much worse.  After all this time, all the trying and the not trying, and the constant questions, and the ever-growing desire to have a family, a miscarriage?  You gotta be kidding me, Doc!

The next day we were leaving for Park City, Utah to spend a week long vacation with Miles's parents, my parents, my sis and Mikey, my aunt and uncle and cousins.  The doctor said it was fine to go, and that if I began to feel pain I could get a prescription filled in Utah.  I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I figured it was unnecessary, but I'd take it with us just in case.  If there is one thing that can always cheer me up, it's my family (did you think I was going to say pain pills??? :).  But since everyone in Utah knew, they were almost walking on eggshells around us because of the growing sadness of our situation.  We've been praying for God's plan for our family for years now, knowing all the while that His plan may not match our own, so we also pray for our trust in His plan.  That's the hardest part.  It does, however, help us to accept each situation for what it is, and it enables us to move forward.

We spent 5 days in Utah, me taking it easy, Miles hitting the slopes with his family and Mikey.  We had as good of a time as possible, considering the circumstances, and celebrated a Tuesday night New Years Eve with everyone.  That night things got ugly.  I couldn't sleep because of the pain; Miles couldn't sleep because I was hysterical.  It was a long night to say the least.  I've never felt such pain in all my life.  He kept offering to take me to the hospital; I kept declining because I assumed it would get better.  Eventually it did, by the next morning, but only for a couple of days.  I was so glad I had the prescription because I started popping pills like an addict.  Thursday night, after we had flown back home, the pain came back.  Friday morning we were back at the doctor.  This time they did an ultrasound and realized the pregnancy never made it out of my tube.  It was ectopic, and it was on the verge of rupturing.  A second doctor, again, not my own, gave me my options:  check in to the hospital (without explaining why that might be necessary), or go home and hope that it "heals itself."  We went home, not knowing the possible damage my body could face.  More pain meds prescribed, more pain to come.  Again, the pain went away for a couple of days, but returned with a vengeance on Monday morning, January 7th.  We had to get to the doctor's office as soon as it opened.  I was doubled over in pain, couldn't stand, couldn't function.  Another day and another doctor (that makes 3 - none of which were my own).  He did another ultrasound.  This time it wasn't "let's hope it heals itself."  This time it was immediately wheeling me into the hospital for emergency surgery to remove my left tube.  Which to us also meant cutting our chances even more of being able to get pregnant.

Two weeks later at my follow-up visit, the doctor who performed the surgery discussed our situation with us.  Knowing we'd been trying for 18 months at that point to get pregnant, he referred us to a fertility doctor.  Fertility doctor?  Shit.  Now we are really infertile???  Lord help us.  Here we go.

We had to wait two months after my surgery to see the fertility doctor.  We discussed our options, and after my first exam, we were both in love with this doctor and his staff.  Dr. K said we would try IUI first.  Basically it's the first step in fertility treatments.  Because I only had one tube at this point, I had to get it checked through another procedure with another doctor.  That test showed that my remaining tube was supposedly functioning properly.  To continue with IUI, through each cycle we had to make sure I was ovulating out of the proper ovary attached to the remaining tube to achieve the results we wanted.  As long as that was the case, "This should definitely work for you."

So the hormone shots begin.  First month and things went perfectly.  The day came, we did the procedure, then we were sent home to wait for TWO WEEKS to take a pregnancy test.  Unfortunately before the two weeks was up, my monthly friend visited.  SLAP.IN.THE.FACE.  So it didn't work.  Moving on.  God's plan, not ours.  Try again next month.  More shots, more hormones.  Time for the ultrasound: ovulating on the side with the missing tube.  SLAP.IN.THE.FACE. TAKE TWO.  No chance to get pregnant.  Stop the shots, have sex and hope for a miracle.  Again, lucky Miles, but no miracle.  Next month, more shots, more hormones...but, ovulation will take place on the good side, 3 eggs and an increased possibility for multiples...BRING IT ON.  Two weeks later, pregnancy test: POSITIVE!

Because of our past situation, we decided to be excited, but super cautious because it was very early.  I went back in for more blood tests a few days later.  Numbers were going up just as they were supposed to, and all seemed very well!  It was now June 2013, and I decided to go home to see my new nephew for the week after good test results.  I spent five wonderful days at home with Chance and my family before the "something's not right" feeling came back.  Great.  Here we go again.

Of course this happened on a Saturday, and the fertility office wouldn't be open until Monday.  I packed my stuff up and headed back to Fort Worth, and straight to the doctor on Monday morning.  They told me they likely wouldn't be able to see anything so early on ultrasound, but that we'd try it anyway.  I just needed some peace of mind.

Another ectopic.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

We knew it was a possibility, obviously, but never in a million years thought it would happen AGAIN.  What happened to "your other tube looks great, nothing wrong, fully functioning, blah blah blah."  At this point we had to decide if we wanted to remove the remaining tube or try a medication designed to "eliminate" the pregnancy.  We knew we couldn't keep doing the tubal pregnancy thing (there is no way for the embryo to survive after it has been stuck in your tube - just fyi), and this would inevitably leave scar tissue in the tube, thus increasing our chances GREATLY of another tubal.  So here we go again.  Another surgery, no tubes left.  Last option for pregnancy: in-vitro fertilization (IVF).  But hey, there's no reason THIS won't work for you.

Two weeks of recovery post surgery, and it was time for our summer vacation.  Ahhh, two weeks in Europe.  Just what I needed!  It was amazing.  The trip of a lifetime, and something I would not have been able to experience had I been pregnant back in December.  A two week vacation certainly does not take the place of a child, but it was a great outlet and an unbelievable experience.  God's plan, not ours.

So this brings us to the latest.  It's now August 2013, school has started back, volleyball season is upon us.  New year, new team, new trials and expectations.  Great group of girls.  I felt it was necessary to share my situation with this group of girls because there would be times that I could not be at work, and I wanted them to know how important they were to me, and that my missing time with them was due to my personal circumstances.  I am completely and totally dedicated to my job, but at this point, our desire to have a family comes first.

Throughout September I was on medication, Miles was on medication, and our house was beginning to look like a pharmacy.  I started a massive amount of hormones, injections and patches and pills.  We are so lucky to have great insurance, but there is only so much fertility that insurance will cover, and it's very expensive.  The way we see it, when it works, it'll be so worth the money, the pain, the amped up mood swings, the weight gain, the break outs and the freak outs.  God's plan, not ours.

We went through the process from September to early October.  The procedure to remove my eggs, the anesthesia (3rd time in 2013), the bloating, the pain...and on to the procedure to transfer our "two perfect embryos" to the uterus and again wait the two weeks for a pregnancy test.  The anxiety is unbelievable.  The weeks leading up to these procedures and tests seem like months.  So finally it's here.  October 18, the day of the pregnancy test.  We just know we're having twins.  Pretty sure that everyone who was aware of our situation has named these precious twins.

I went in that morning, bright-eyed and excited, ready to get my blood drawn.  I asked the nurse to please call me first with the results, and she agreed.  The people at the fertility office have fallen in love with Miles and I, and the feeling is mutual.  That place is so freaking depressing, so we always try to be happy and laugh at all of our billions of office visits, and the people that work there love that.  They've told my mom (yes, my mom has gone with me to the fertility doctor! haha) how they adore our attitudes and how much they like us.  We feel the same about everyone there.  They're so helpful and kind.  Unfortunately by mid-afternoon my gut feeling was telling me that it was not going to be good news.  I know how difficult the phone call must've been for the nurse who called with the results.  I could sense it in her voice when she said my name.  I knew it was not good.  She told me my test was negative, expressed her condolences, I tried to get off the phone immediately, more condolences, and our goodbyes.  As much as we've tried to convince ourselves not to get overly excited, it's impossible not to.  Especially knowing that "there's no reason THIS won't work for you."  It's heartbreaking.  Gut-wrenching.  Disappointing.  Sad.  Infuriating.  Expensive.  Sad.  Depressing. Overwhelming.  Sad.  Ok, I seem to keep repeating myself, but I assume you get the point.  You re-live everything you've been through over the past few months (years, really) and realize it was all for nothing.  Miles and I spent the majority of that afternoon and evening crying and questioning and consoling each other.

Everyone in our families knew, several friends and colleagues knew, so to have to continue to answer the inevitable questions is difficult but completely unavoidable.  I'm so thankful to my mom who did the bulk of the answering questions so that Miles and I didn't have to, but that put her in a heart-breaking situation as well.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Yesterday (October 22, 2013) we went in for a consultation with the doctor.  Everyone who worked there was as shocked as we were to see the negative pregnancy test.  Dr. K apologized for giving us false hope, but stood firm in his belief that this will work for us.  We have decided to do some additional testing before we head down the road to another IVF transfer.  The initial shock and disappointment are beginning to fade, and it's time to move forward and take all available routes to ensure a future positive test and a precious perfect baby to follow.

We don't know when we'll do another transfer, but we have four frozen embryos that we hope will someday become little Cobb kiddos running around, acting crazy and causing chaos while mommy screams "DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE WENT THROUGH TO HAVE YOU??? :)

God's plan, not ours.  Time to move on and pray for His will to be done through us!